Early-Morning Slobberknocking

First, I was thinking tonight how much I had contributed to the redux culture that I abhor so much -- where a perfectly good [or horribly bad] TV show or movie from the 70s or 80s gets re-made, and it's all about irony and winking at the original material.

I did go to see the first 'Charlie's Angels' McG movie. I did not see either 'Brady Bunch' movie, 'Starsky & Hutch,' 'The Mod Squad' or any of the other remakes I can't recall off the top of my noggin. I will not be going to see 'The Dukes of Hazzard,' 'Oh, God!' or 'Revenge of the Revenge of the Nerds.' I'd rather spend my money on wholly original fare, like 'What the Fuck Do We Know?' At least they're not doing something I saw done right or wrong the first time around.

Next, you need to bookmark Go Fug Yourself, one of the absolute funniest blogs out there. Heather and Jessica skewer fashion disasters with the glee and abandon that only a pop-culture masochist could possibly muster. If E! knows what's good for them, they'll cut loose the Rivers clan and give Jessica a fat suitcase of money to cover fashion for them.

Behold, the razor-sharp barbs directed at Beyonce Knowles' VMA outfit:

As we've stated before, Beyonce is a lovely woman with fantastic curves that can be -- and have been -- dressed to complement and enhance her figure. Short-shorts of the Nair ad variety do not achieve this. Her legs look like mighty oaks and her hips look like Austraila. I can't fathom why Beyonce hasn't looked in a mirror and wondered, "Is this perhaps the most flattering thing I could put on, Mom?" I know summer is ending. I get that. But regular pants are not the enemy, Beyonce. Capri pants can be your friend. Mini-skirts would even work. But hot pants are a different beast, and they are gobbling up your pelvis, Beyonce. Please intercede.

To the left, you'll see the iTunes logo. Clicking it will take you to my affiliate of the iTunes Music Store. Any purchase you make will earn me five percent, regardless of what you buy or how long you stay in the iTMS. Also, when I link to a particular album (like the phenomenal new Scissor Sisters' effort, or my upcoming 2004 year-end CD, Re-Emergence, you can still buy from "my store." So, get going, capitalists!

Tonight, Gator's had a group of 20 or so, saying farewell to a young girl who's getting ready to ship off to the Army tomorrow morning. This bunch had been at Bronco's last Wednesday, so I knew the whole story.

They turned in several songs at the front of the night, and They got up to sing four times. yet, regardless of how many times I told them about the order and rotation, they still wanted to be bumped up, moved ahead in line, or just wanted to sing "next." The one sober one in the bunch was shocked to hear that her party was cussing me out to anyone who would listen because I didn't ignore the rest of the room to cater to them... but was then shocked that it didn't bother me that much.

In the 13 years I've been working in karaoke bars (that looks so incredibly freakin' sad), there's always someone that thinks they deserve special treatment. Here's a tip, for anyone who thinks that they are more important than anyone else in a bar to the people who work there: you're not. While it is my job to make everyone feel special, that doesn't mean robbing Peter's good time to pay Paul's. The only time you're going to get preferential treatment is when you're hiring me to work a private party. Then, baby, it's all about you. Until then, shut up, order another drink, and wait your turn, just like everyone else in the goddamned bar.

"But we're getting ready to leave!" Then leave. You're not going to drink any more, so why should I care if you're going to go or not? If I haven't been running a fair rotation of singers, then that might make a difference, but I don't take tips to 'bump' people up. My only guilt is that I couldn't go through the order any faster, and unlike a lot of karaoke hosts, I don't sing if there's 20 people in line. I just consider that rude.

The only purpose I serve as a karaoke host is to run a good show, entertain people, and keep them in the bar as long as possible, thereby making the bar money.

So, the next time you're in a karaoke bar, remove the following line from your dialogue: "Is there any way I can get up to sing faster?" If the host says 'yes,' he's not a good host. If he says 'no,' they're doing their job, and you should thank them for it.

I'm a little surprised this affected me as much as it did tonight, but it just amazes me how little people think about what they say to hospitality staff -- bartenders, waitstaff, DJs. We're there to do a job. That job is to entertain you and everyone else there.