just hi. i'm guessing hardly anyone reading this will actually remember me, but my name is jessica - i used to have the sites notporn.org (like 7-8 years ago) and pika-grrl.net (like 4-5) and beautiful-geek.net (like 2-3) and now i have evilprincess.net. i did the 'thon for the first three years, and between the last one and this one i've let my blog slip off into vast nothingness.
but anyway. you get to hear about my fantasticly wonderful weekend. aren't you thrilled? hope you need a good laugh.
i semi live with my boyfriend - which for the most part is a coaster. he's unpredictable and petty, which can lead to some interesting conversations. i try and hold myself above being petty because i think it's stupid. if you have a problem, say it. don't be cheap. don't be spiteful. don't say things you know for a fact have no ground or empty threats. but every now and then, something else has set me wrong before he starts with me and i cannot resist temptation - and oh god, does he HATE to be proven wrong.
last night, i saw my boyfriend get really upset and show any type of adult behavior in being able to just say what's on his mind, except none of it was directed at me. he and his brother were getting into a fight that's been about - eh, two months in the making. my boyfriend's been annoyed by something for a while and after about two months of him bitching to me about it, i told him unless he said not to, i was going to say something 'cause i was tired of hearing it.
that's a trait some of my friends have a problem with. my honesty. but they can fuck off. don't do things you're not proud of and you won't have to lie now will you.
anyway.
he asked me to leave for a while because he was border line and wanted some time alone, which was fine with me. i didn't really know what to do with him and i could tell he needed it. i wasn't planning on going back when i left, but an hour later - and drunk unknown to me - he told me to come back. we watched some tv and *cough* went to bed kinda early as he was getting up to go fishing this morning and i was exhausted from work and looking forward to sleeping in.
he leaves the computer signed online to AOL when he leaves, preventing anyone else from logging onto it, which is kinda fuckin' annoyin' if you ask me. his computer also has modem and rebooting issues and kicks him off always.
he got up. went fishin'. left aol on. i woke up. vegged in bed until i saw him get booted off. signed on. he came back.
let the fighting begin.
"did you kick me off" no "you're lying" no im not "yes you are i know you are" no i'm not. stupid bicker, petty remark, low blow, cheap stab, etc. all this going on 'bout 9am, barely even awake, as i'm packing everything i own out of his house because his way of ending the yes you are no i'm not phase was to say "get the fuck out of my bed and out of my house". i leave, call someone i consider one of my best friends (simply for the fact that tho he may not be around much, when i NEED him he is THERE), go to his house and hang out for the day with him at his job.
i didn't talk to chris (my boyfriend) for hours. i was too upset. i didn't want to even deal with it. but before i left there i said a few things i'd been wanting to say for a while, but i'm the type of person who'd usually rather get over something than argue about it, then when i finally get mad enough to say something, let everything that's been on my mind spill out. finally, out of boredom, i read a few of them and started talking to him.
i don't know why. i kinda wish i hadn't. i don't know what i'm going to do. i don't know what i want to do. i live an odd kinda life style. most of my friends are dj's, for a good while i was well known in "the club scene", and yes. i party like a rockstar. chris is not involved in this part of my life. i like this. that way when he is an ass to me, i have something that's completly and totally mine. he cannot stand most of my friends because of the things we choose to do when we go out. he has problems trusting me when i say i'm not "doing anything" because some of my friends have a good amount of whatever i want only a phone call a way.
i have many logical reasons i'm with him. he keeps me out of trouble, for one thing. and on a schedule. and i need that right now. if given the chance, i'll meander off with my friends for the night until 2am and i can't afford to do that with my job as far away as it is. we get along fairly well when he's not playing on his mood swings. we're also "good" together, if ya know what i mean (heh). and he lets me beat up on him a lil bit from time to time when i'm bored. we like to cook together. read.
i have no emotional reasons i'm with him. i miss him now. it's the first time we've spend a night apart in months. i told him i was going to stay out tonight to clear my head.
how did i go from being very content that i was done with him to missing him and looking forward to seeing him tomorrow? why did i let myself get back into this at all? i should have left him alone when i told him to piss off the first time. i wound up telling him a LOT of shit i thought and felt in reguards to how he treats me and how he acts and his attitude in general and how much i think it sucks lately and that he has to change.
said he would try.
but do i really believe him? can i believe him? i'm not sure if i have the heart to.
what do you think? email me and tell me.
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